Couples, Are You Growing Together?

If you’re growing as a couple, are you growing at the same rate and in the same direction?

I talk to a lot of couples, and one of the biggest points of friction is growth.

This may seem strange, don’t we all want to be growing in our relationship?

Yes, I believe we do want to be growing—this is essential to life.

But, if we’re not growing at the same rate and in the same direction as our partner, then it can cause friction.

Let me explain…

GROWING IN THE SAME DIRECTION, BUT NOT AT THE SAME RATE

I talked to a couple recently who was opening up their relationship.

He initiated it, and she went reluctantly along with it.

She did a lot of reading, listening to podcasts, and her own personal therapy.

After a while, she was not only onboard, but she was excited, and she was moving forward.

He was starting to get triggered by the fact that she was feeling good about this opportunity, and was connecting with others easily.

They both wanted to open, and when he was pushing the action forward, he was comfortable with it.

But now that she was ready to move forward faster than he was, he felt all sorts of friction around it, and wanted to slow things down.

This is all reasonable, we are all comfortable with different things at different times, and this is part of the beauty and challenge of relationship.

When we spoke, I could tell that while she was being patient with the process, she was starting to feel antsy.

Her growth was like that of a bamboo shoot growing underground, and then all of a sudden popping out of the ground and growing leaps and bounds in a very short amount of time.

This was causing friction in the relationship. Even though this was the direction he wanted, and he was the one who initiated it, he was now experiencing some strife because she was moving forward more quickly.

This is the first challenge of growth in relationship—growing at different rates, even if you’re growing in the same direction.

And now for the second…

GROWING AT THE SAME RATE, BUT NOT IN THE SAME DIRECTION

I spoke to another woman recently who said this:

“He wants to grow his business and leadership, and I want to grow spiritually.”

She was worried that if they kept on this trajectory, that they would grow apart.

“I just feel like my connection to source is growing, and I’m starting to feel like the things we are interested in are too different,” she said.

This is a very common problem, which I see often. It’s not that they don’t love each other, but their interests in growth are diverging to the place where common ground starts to get more difficult.

When this happens, there is a time when it’s “OK” and then it starts to turn the corner into something that’s a real issue.

Often, your conscious mind doesn’t want to let go because it knows there is so much potential between the two of you—if only she/he would change.

But in these cases, there are just different drives towards goals that are in realms that the other isn’t as focused on, and so you start to wonder if it’s a mismatch.

There is only so long that you can go when you feel like your partner isn’t “meeting you” in realms that are crucial to your being. When it goes on for long enough, you start to think about your options, and whether it’s something you can live with in the long term.

This is a trickier issue to tackle, but there are opportunities for play here as well.

Is there a part of you that likes to get frustrated with them for “not being enough”?

Can you find that part of you, and play with it in a safe container?

This is the opportunity of The Play Container—to find ways of bringing out the parts of ourselves that are challenged and frustrated with our partner.

I’m not saying that it’s always something worth fixing—maybe you do need to look for someone else that can meet you in the end—but The Play is a great way to get to the truth of what you’re challenged with.

Bottom line, there are two challenges in growth oriented relationships—the first is when you’re growing in the direction, but at different rates—and the second is when you’re growing in different directions. Both are challenging for different reasons, and both are ripe for play opportunities.

The key is to find the shadow aspect that is running the dynamic, and bring it into a Play Container.

When you’re challenged with a growth-oriented relationship, learn to play to shift the dynamics.